Recently Corbett and Lea ran a survey for people who are location independent or aspiring to be, and asked all sorts of questions about their aspirations, their fears, and their current life and work positions. Because I see our fears as being the greatest thing that gets in our way of living the lives we want, I was really interested to see what people’s main fears are about location independent living. I loved that the most commonly cited, biggest fears were all about relationships (I think that says a lot about the personal values within this community). People were concerned about how to find and stay connected to the people who are important to them while they’re working at home, in a remote part of the world, or moving around regularly. And they were concerned with handling important relationships with people who don’t understand or support their choice to create a location independent lifestyle.

Working with people to help them to make the lifestyle changes they want, and having made my own major lifestyle changes over the years, I’ve seen that it’s not just a thing that people aspiring to become location independent will struggle with, and I’ve come to expect that every time you make a significant change in your lifestyle and step more deeply into your authentic self, your relationships with the people closest to you will be impacted and shaken up a bit. When you grow, those relationships are also required to grow, which means that the other people are required to grow too. But sometimes it doesn’t go smoothly and they don’t want to grow or change, or they’re growing in a different direction. And that can be really stressful, and potentially painful enough to distract you from completing the changes you set out to make. So here are a few tips for dealing with your relationships while you make your changes and move more into being the person you want to be and living the life you want to live:

1. Realize there are no limits except your own thinking

When it came to finding their tribe, people used to be restricted geographically. It was only possible to connect with the people who were physically close enough. These days technology has blown away that barrier and made it easier than ever to find like-minded people through the internet, and we’re no longer limited to finding like-minded people within our geographical community. I think I’ve made more new friends in the past 6 months since taking my business online than I did in any 6 month period of my life before that. If you feel like you’re alone and you can’t find people who understand you, the only thing that’s preventing you from finding and connecting with other people is your own thinking. There are more people living in the world than ever before, and it’s easier to find, meet and connect with like-minded people than ever before, so the opportunities for friendship and intimacy are more abundant than ever before.

2. Recognize the difference between values and interests

With acquaintances, the stuff that brings you together is often common interests or activities, such as being in the same football team, running club or yoga class. We get on because we do similar stuff. We can talk about the stuff we have in common, and the relationship is based on those common activities. To take the relationship to a deeper level though, you need shared values.

Your values are what you think is important in life - the reason WHY you choose to do an activity or develop a particular interest. When you share interests with someone, but your values differ, you won’t easily relate to each other. And you’ll get along easily and feel a strong affinity with people who share your values - even if you don’t share common interests or activities.

Here’s an example: There could be two people who both ride bicycles regularly. Person A rides her bicycle in order to lose weight and look good, while person B rides her bicycle in order to get fit and be able to do increasingly challenging cycle routes that pump her with adrenalin. These two people might be able to speak about bicycles for a while, but soon enough they’ll discover that they don’t belong to the same tribe - they don’t have shared values. And person A who rides a bicycle to lose weight and look good might find that she gets on much better with someone else who’s very interested in shopping and fashion, even though they’re not interested in riding a bicycle. And person B might find she gets on better with someone else who enjoys kite-surfing for the fitness and adrenalin rush, even though that person isn’t interested in riding a bicycle.

The reason I raise this is that people often focus on interests rather than values, as they’re trying to figure out who their tribe are and which relationships to invest in and which ones to let go of. Often shared interests are a way for people to meet each other, but shared values are the basis of rich relationships. And my hunch is that nobody wants to have lots of acquaintances - what we all want is rich relationships. The added benefit of finding people who share your values rather than focusing on shared interests is that your relationship will continue to thrive even when you or the other person changes the interests or activities that you invest your time in - important for Renaissance Souls who are changing their interests on a regular basis!

3. Define your essential values

So if you want to find like-minded people - people who share your values, then it’s important to define your values consciously. I could write a whole course on this, but here’s a few quick, simple questions you can ask yourself to uncover your essential values:

• Ask yourself, “What’s important to me in life?” Brainstorm and list everything that comes to mind.
• For each item that you listed, ask yourself, “and what’s important about that?” three to five times over, so that you unpack them and discover your core, essential values.
• Having unpacked them, now look at your list of values and rank them in order of importance, starting with nr 1.
• Circle the values that are absolutely essential to you - they’ll probably be your top 3 to 5 values.

4. Write a personal ad

I love Havi’s idea of writing personal ads for the experiences, people, opportunities and stuff you want to bring into your life! It’s a fun way to articulate what you want, and articulating what you want focuses your unconscious mind on finding opportunities to get what you want, so it’s a powerful exercise.

So write yourself a personal ad, listing the qualities you’re looking for in friends, partner(s) and people to collaborate with. And here’s a tip: if you find this difficult, then 1.) Refer to your list of Essential Values 2.) Get grumpy and write about what annoys you and what you don’t want in a friend or collaborator, and then ask yourself, “So what does that tell me about what’s important to me and what do I want instead?”

5. Let go of relationships that aren’t aligned with your essential values

This is easy for some people, but for a lot of the people I work with, they’re carrying a story that they need to sustain all their relationships, that the waning or ending of a relationship is a “bad” thing that they should feel guilty about, that they’re a “bad” person if they let a relationship wane or end, or that they’ll end up friend-less and alone if they let go.

There are enough people in the world for us all to have intimacy and it’s perfectly okay for some relationships to be just for a time. When you’ve grown out of a relationship, trying to force yourself back into it (even for limited periods of time) isn’t good for you, the other person or the relationship. So let those ones go… knowing that there’s an abundance of people you (and they) can connect with.

6. Be seen and invest

Once you’ve written your smalls advert, and let go of limiting relationships, trust that you and your tribe will find each other. But don’t sit on your ass at home and make it difficult! Being seen will dramatically increase your chances of finding your tribe, and them finding you. So think about where people who share your values might hang out, and go hang out there. Don’t try to attract people or to put on a good facade. Show your real values in your profile and let people see who you really are in the way you hang out with them. Like-minded people will stick around and those who don’t share your values will keep moving.

Online there are a bunch of places you might find your tribe members, and the great thing is that it’s easier than ever to meet like-minded people through other people by way of social networks like Twitter and Facebook. You can also find like-minded people in these social networks:

• If you value freedom, independence and choice, you’ll find a lot of like-minded folks at the Location Independent Clubhouse
• If you value change, personal development, curiosity and mental Agility, you’ll find like-minded folks at my Agile Living Facebook Group.
• And if you value variety, lifelong learning, personal growth, proactivity, competence and mastery, you’ll find like-minded folks in the Bottom-line Bookclub.

Join us!

Finally, realize that all relationships are developed through investing in them over time. Have an open mind and heart, and be willing to take the initiative to approach other people, to really listen to and see them, and to look for ways to support and serve them. Sure, on a conceptual level, it might seem like a risk to be so open, but since resources like love, generosity, and kindness are unlimited resources, there’s no actual risk in opening your heart and mind to other people. And, from my experience, the rewards are infinite!

I’d love to hear your tips and experiences about finding and staying connected with your tribe - do share in the comments below!

Photo by ippei+janine

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