I often get questions from people, via email, Facebook and Twitter, and they’re such great questions that I’ve decided that I’m going to start sharing these questions (and my answers to them) with you occasionally. I’m hoping that this’ll be useful to you for two reasons: firstly, to get answers to some of the questions you’re asking, but perhaps more importantly, so that you realize that you’re not the only person asking these sorts of questions. I know that at the times when I’ve grown most and gained the confidence to take a bigger step out into the world – a step I had been too afraid to take before, the thing that facilitated that perspective shift and the confidence to overcome my fears was hearing that other people (even the ones that look totally sorted!) struggle with the same fears, self-doubts and tough questions that I do. So without further ado, here’s the first question, from the brilliant, Andrew Caldwell…

Andrew Caldwell from the USA says:

“I’ve recently decided I’m heading back to the working world for a short guest appearance to get some cash reserves built-up. Long story short, I’m in a big, “What’s my passion, what do I REALLY want to do?” phase. I know I’ll end up doing something entrepreneurial, but I’m not sure exactly where I want to focus myself. I’m after an outsiders point of view, experience and recommendations on what I should pursue, bearing in mind what I already know about myself. Here are some notes I wrote recently:

Purpose, Values, Dreams
Not following the norm, Chivalry, Mannered, Classic, The Sitcom Dream (Writing), Continental Europe (Live & Travel), Footloose & Fancy Free, LIP (in terms of income), “Successful,” Minimalist, Online Income Streams, Family Values, I want an interesting life, To be in Control, Excited with everyday living

Goals, What Do I Want to See, Feel and Experience?
Neutral Property Portfolio, To be fulfilled, Do something meaningful, To run a business, Travel, Have a family, To do something I’m passionate about, Something rewarding, To be in control

What do I want to be known as?
Risk Taker, Go Getter, Hard Worker (ha!), Fit, Wealthy, Creative, Clever, Entrepreneur (This word is getting over used!), Well Traveled, Worldly

What Am I Good at? Enjoy? Know about? Experienced in?
Traveled South East Asia, Logical Thinking, Analytical, Bachelor of Structural Engineer (ugh), the beach, living in the most remote city in the world (Perth, WA), cruising a motorbike along the coast, Investment Properties, Income Tax, Depreciation, Loans, Money, Finance, Budgeting, Social Media, Photography, learning, creating, businesses, being in control, de-cluttering, launching ideas, mobility, minimalism, technology, work flow & business systems, simplifying, automation, kayaking, running.

Cath says:

I love that you’re exploring this stuff! It’s the process of exploring what makes life purposeful and meaningful that develops depth in our lives and personalities, more than the actual answers you come up with. Good on you. And I know you’ve read Tim Ferriss’ book, The Four Hour Work Week, so let me remind you that, as Tim says, this sort of total life evaluation and existential crisis is a normal reaction to when you first create total freedom for yourself to choose how you’ll spend your time each day, rather than just automatically following the masses and going to work in a big corporate from 9 to 5.

Resource Alert:

“I know I’ll end up doing something entrepreneurial, but I’m not sure exactly where I want to focus myself. I’m after an outsiders point of view, experience and recommendations on what I should pursue, bearing in mind what I already know about myself. Here are some notes I wrote recently…”

You’re clearly committed to reflection and self-awareness and you already know a lot about yourself. From what you’ve written about yourself, you’re pretty clear on your values, your “personal brand,” some of your goals and what you’re good at and enjoy doing. This awareness, and your answers to these questions are all precious resources, as is your healthy self-confidence.

So how can you get un-stuck?

1. Look inside, not outside, for your purpose
“I’m after an outsiders point of view, experience and recommendations…”

First I’m going to say the seriously stereotypical life coach thing that has to be said… nobody else can know or decide your life’s purpose. If something jumps out at them from this page, it’s because it resonates for them and might be something they need to incorporate into their life purpose, but they can’t know what you’re meant to live your life for. I know, it’s a cliche, but it’s true. Besides, as someone who values autonomy so highly, you’d feel crappy if someone else just “gave” you your life purpose – you’ll love owning the process and discovering the answers for yourself.

You won’t find your purpose in anybody else’s answers. You’ll find it and feel it within yourself. After-all, that’s what “lifestyle design” is really about – dropping the template life and all the expectations of how you “should” live your life, and choosing to design your life yourself.

2. Define success for yourself

Interesting that you put the word “successful” in inverted commas, but you didn’t do it for any of the other words you used… This word torments most of us and we’re all a slave to the idea that we have to be “successful” but we often haven’t really explored what success means to us. When we don’t articulate what success really means to us, we get driven by ideas about success that are being unconsciously programmed into us from the media. So I suggest you ask yourself, “What does success mean to me?” and “How will I know I’m successful?”

When we feel like we’re unsuccessful, we’re almost always using conventional societal definitions of success (how much money to you have?/ what job do you do?/ how much status do you have?/ how many properties do you own?/ how many children do you have?) – all stuff that research has shown has nothing to do with happiness. So write out your definition of success, and then question everything in it. The stuff that really matters to you will stay and the rest you’ll start to feel uncertain about. Then think back on your life and what’s given you the most happiness. Maybe that’s where your definition of success lies… Following the stuff that gives you a spontaneous happy feeling is a great clue to discovering and living your purpose.

3. Separate the ideas of life purpose and work focus.
Work can be part of your life purpose, but it’s not your life purpose. If you think work and life purpose are the same thing, you’ll place too much importance on work and ignore other stuff in your life that’s a potential source of fulfillment (relationships, family, health, recreation, etc).

4. Take a longer-term perspective and embrace the journey
Us Gen Y-ers have read all this stuff about how you *must* live your life purpose through your work… straight out of college! There’s this sense of “maybe I can skip the crappy phase of developing mastery and experience and just jump straight into work that’s purposeful, motivating, deeply meaningful, and using all the things I’m good at.”

My experience is that over time, I’ve developed my skills and that’s allowed me to make a more significant contribution, and that’s what makes my work more meaningful now. And I’m just a beginner still. The person I’ll be in another 10 years of learning, creating and contributing at work will be able to make a much more significant contribution than I can right now. Even if I knew what that contribution would be, I still couldn’t pull it off right now – I don’t have the skills and experience yet.

So what I’m saying is: you have a long life expectancy and you don’t have to treat today at the final assessment of your worth on this planet. Also, everyday you gain more experience and skill and make it possible to make a more useful and meaningful contribution to the world (through work or whatever else), so don’t treat it like a destination.

Take a longer-term perspective on the idea of purpose. When you’re 84 years old or so, are you going to look at this year and evaluate your life on that? Probably not. It’ll be more about the big picture. So add a little patience and recognize that anything you do now isn’t an assessment of your life’s worth. It’s just another opportunity to learn something else. And, as sacrilege as it sounds in the lifestyle design domain, you can learn stuff in employment that you can’t learn in self-employment (and vice versa, but either way, you always have opportunities to learn).

So think about the big picture and your values, then ask yourself, “what would I like to learn more about?” and then look for opportunities to learn more of that.

5. Realize that you can cut out the middle-man and have what you really want right now
“I want… to be in Control…”

You’ve mentioned the idea of being in control a few times. We all have a need to feel in control and autonomous, as though we’re directing our lives. That’s healthy. But be careful not to link the idea of autonomy with stuff like what sort of job you have, whether you’re self-employed, and how much money you make, etc. You can make lots of money and be an entrepreneur and still feel out of control. Feeling in control is just a feeling and so you can feel it, regardless of how much money/ power/ status you have. You don’t have to wait until you have more money or higher status in a company or have started your own business.

Feeling in control happens when you’re living your life consciously and choosing to create the life you want – in all the little ways. And feeling in control happens when you learn the skills for feeling the way you want to feel regardless of the circumstances around you. That’s real autonomy and self-control – when you choose your own thoughts and feelings and can create the experiences you want without making your thoughts and feelings dependent on events, other people, and circumstances.

A big trap of the whole “find my purpose” thing is the “I’ll be happy when” thing. When you’re telling yourself, “I’ll be happy when I’ve found and am living my purpose” then you’ll put off being happy right now. And now is all you have. Be happy right now and all the “nows” will add up to a life of fulfillment. And do stuff that is an expression of your values right now, even if it’s not the fullest expression you can imagine. Just have an interesting life, go against the norm, value family, be excited about life, and so on in whatever way you can right now. And all those “nows” of making conscious choices to live your values will add up to a fulfilled, purposeful life. And all the stuff you learn and the experience you gain along the way will allow you to make a more significant contribution in whatever stuff you choose to do with your time along the way. And that’s about as much control as anyone can hope to have over the path and direction of their life.

Good luck with the journey!

And here’s the Twitter style answer

Only you can decide your life purpose and define success for yourself. Realize that you can always have some of your life purpose right now, and there’s always more potential that’ll unfold with every day you add to your experience and skills.

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